If Ozzy Osbourne had a Holiday song it would go something like this:
“I’m going off the rails on a crazy train.”
That’s right, dear ol’ Ozzy wouldn’t have to change the lyrics of his “Crazy Train” because after how many days of eating like this, forking cold leftover baked ziti for breakfast, so many butter cookies I can hear myself getting fatter, do you want another glass of wine? sure!, of having absolutely no clue what day it is, of being so tired, of you guys being all off, of all the family visits, of the house a mess, of finding pine needles in places that are nearly impossible for them to be found (in the upstairs bathroom medicine cabinet? really?), of wrestling to open toys that come in impossible to open packages, with a million twist ties, and music that all seem to be recorded by the same choir of children who do the eerie nursery rhymes for horror movie soundtracks, that is how I feel.
The neck of our kitchen sink faucet came loose yesterday. The first time I reached to extend the hose so I could wash this weird angle of your giant high chair trays it fell off and water came shooting directly out of the pipe and jetted me square in the face. I jumped. WHOAH! I dried off my face and my neck and the surrounding counter and area. It’s water, no big deal. The second time, after I thought I had fixed it by haphazardly screwing the neck back on, I reached to extend the hose once again and it broke off and squirted me. I was annoyed. DAMMIT! I thought I had fixed it but clearly, this was broken. I dried off my my face, my shoulders. I made mental note to tell your father, and hastily stuck the faucet back on. Mere minutes later, or in Finding Nemo-style maybe even seconds, apparently I completely forgot about these earlier instances and I reached for the hose again. I got blasted in the face for a third time. As I stood there soaked, wiping the water from my eyelashes like an angry buffoon just squirted by a clown, I almost cried.
Not a big deal, I know, just cue Ozzy: “I”m going off the rails on a crazy train.”