March 30, 2012

Dear Babies,

There’s this man, babies, David Zincencko, who actually comes on a morning news program and tells us that eating a blooming onion is the dietary equivalent of eating 10,000 cheeseburgers, or something like that.

Last night around 9:15 p.m. I sat on the couch with a glass of white wine and a box of Girl Scouts’ Samoa cookies. I flipped to the side of the box and took a gander at the ingredients. I don’t know what the state of nutrition will be by the time you guys read this, maybe food labels will become extinct. We’ll get so big we’ll just suck it up and become giants, say fe fi fo fum, and mention of the above will make me sound really old, like how I’ll always “tape” something on TV instead of record or “dvr.”

Food ingredients are listed according to quantity, with the items that most make up the product first.

There it was, a numero uno: (*A sentence that not only makes me sound old, but like a dork.)


I knew I was curling up to a big box of sugar.

I bit into that cookie. The coconut. The chocolate. I washed it down with a big sip of that cold, cheap wine.

It was delicious.

Tell the aliens, babies, we knew what we were doing. Make sure you explain to them that moderation is a really hard thing to do. If all else fails, blame it on the Girl Scouts.



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