May 8, 2012

Dear Babies,

The sun has been trying to come out all day, but it just can’t make it happen.

I, too, am having such a day.

It’s three o’clock already, and if I stopped moving and sat down for longer than a minute (even a linger on the toilet would do) I might fall asleep for a very long time. I might sleep till Christmas.

My tiredness has nothing to do with you guys–at all. It’s all me. It’s all my schedule. I’ve been a cheesy night club lately, I don’t get going until eleven o’clock. I’m in this night owl routine again like I was in my twenties of working late, except now I am not in my twenties, and I have a caffeine-induced eye twitch, and two kids. I hate one a.m.

Come to bed, your father will call from the top of the stairs…

And there I am, in the dark on my chaise lounge in the living room under a blanket, aglow in blue from my  computer open on my lap. A book and a catalog and a glass of vanilla almond milk to my side. Bravo on the TV in the background for noise. I know what you’re thinking, when did I surpass motherhood and become a grandma? I know what else you’re thinking, why don’t you just go to bed?

I could, of course…

I should…

But I’m kind of…stuck…in this holding pattern. Like today, for example, I keep saying oh, I’ll do that later, because I know I physically can stay up late. But just because you physically can do something doesn’t mean that you should. (See also: high-waisted jeans.)

I can break the pattern! I can cut out things that waste time so I don’t have to stay up so late! I can, it’s my life, it’s up to me! These are things I know. These are things I say.

I’ve been, trying, but, a routine is a very hard thing to break.

No, today is not our day, sun. Let’s let the rain clouds have their moment.

Love,

Mom

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