“Are you scared about it?”
I didn’t answer, resulting in a sizable chunk of silence over the phone.
“Hmm,” your dad said breaking it, “I guess by you being quiet you are.”
There was more silence during which I thought, no…
“No. No!” while the internal wheels were still deciding how can I admit this?
“I’m not scared…at all…,” I finally mustered, “I’m strangely…what’s scary…is…that I’m kind of blasé.”
I have to make a decision about my ears, babies. The doctors think I have this thing called otosclerosis. You think I would be here googling it now, but no. I just read about JWoww’s engagement to Roger, because that’s important.
I can either do nothing, and risk it getting worse (it’s at 50% loss in my left ear, starting to go in my right, so I’d be entering old age with serious strikes against me).
Or, I can do this surgery, a stapedectomy, and risk the side effects of the surgery. One in 300 people suffer complete hearing loss from it, the inner ear rejects it–or something like that. (Perhaps I should’ve paid better attention, instead of trying to figure out what scent the doctor had on his breath. It wasn’t minty. It wasn’t floral. It was so clean.)
I was always weirdly obsessed with giant squids. (To which you say, “you?? nah, can’t picture you being obsessed with anything weird.”) I often play this game with myself where I have to choose between death by giant squid or man-eating shark, and I cannot choose.
(How scary are sharks? But a giant squid?? How gross, look at that thing!)
Similar to my little game, I am faced with two options, neither one ideal.
Once again, my words have come back to bite me.
(BITE! Should one pick shark?)
…In a few weeks I go back for a CAT scan to confirm the diagnosis. From there I’m going to ask the doctor if there is a risk in waiting. If I can wait to the loss is bothering me (because honestly, at the moment, it’s not. What? Sorry, couldn’t hear you.). Maybe the risk of surgery won’t be so great when I have less to lose…
Till then, the little things in life continue to trump the big. The season premiere of “Homeland” is on Sunday, and I must begin to mentally prepare.