Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dear Babies,

“Are you scared about it?”

I didn’t answer, resulting in a sizable chunk of silence over the phone.

“Hmm,” your dad said breaking it, “I guess by you being quiet you are.”

There was more silence during which I thought, no…

“No. No!” while the internal wheels were still deciding how can I admit this?

“I’m not scared…at all…,” I finally mustered, “I’m strangely…what’s scary…is…that I’m kind of blasé.”

I have to make a decision about my ears, babies. The doctors think I have this thing called otosclerosis. You think I would be here googling it now, but no. I just read about JWoww’s engagement to Roger, because that’s important.

I can either do nothing, and risk it getting worse (it’s at 50% loss in my left ear, starting to go in my right, so I’d be entering old age with serious strikes against me).

Or, I can do this surgery, a stapedectomy, and risk the side effects of the surgery. One in 300 people suffer complete hearing loss from it, the inner ear rejects it–or something like that. (Perhaps I should’ve paid better attention, instead of trying to figure out what scent the doctor had on his breath. It wasn’t minty. It wasn’t floral. It was so clean.)

I was always weirdly obsessed with giant squids. (To which you say, “you?? nah, can’t picture you being obsessed with anything weird.”) I often play this game with myself where I have to choose between death by giant squid or man-eating shark, and I cannot choose.

(How scary are sharks? But a giant squid?? How gross, look at that thing!)

Similar to my little game, I am faced with two options, neither one ideal.

Once again, my words have come back to bite me.

(BITE! Should one pick shark?)

…In a few weeks I go back for a CAT scan to confirm the diagnosis. From there I’m going to ask the doctor if there is a risk in waiting. If I can wait to the loss is bothering me (because honestly, at the moment, it’s not. What? Sorry, couldn’t hear you.). Maybe the risk of surgery won’t be so great when I have less to lose…

Till then, the little things in life continue to trump the big. The season premiere of “Homeland” is on Sunday, and I must begin to mentally prepare.

Love,

Mom

2 thoughts on “Wednesday, September 26, 2012

  1. Laura Case says:

    There’s also option C, get a hearing aid if you want to hold off on the surgery.

    Personally I would have the surgery again in a heartbeat and will have it, once I am deaf enough to qualify. I *thought* my hearing wasn’t impacting anything until I could hear again. It was amazing.

    • amydenby says:

      That’s right. My doctor did say a hearing aid is an option, however I would need some “pretty powerful amplification” (I like to picture a headband made of boombox speakers). Kidding aside, thank you for sharing your experience and offering input. Like my husband said about his lasik surgery a few years back, he didn’t realize how blind he was until he could SEE. Thanks again for reading.

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