Tuesday, July 2, 2013: Again. And again. And again.

Dear Babies,

It was 9:30 a.m. and the house looked like a crime scene. Couches stripped. Patches of paper towels scattered, lily pads on pee laden ponds.

What else to do on a rainy summer day but work on potty training?

“Underwear, let’s go,” I delivered my sentence.

“Yay!” you both cheered, it not taking long–a sip of orange juice or two–to realize, oh, this actually stinks, we can’t just pee in our pants.

But you did, and I was losing it (already!), so I squinted up to the sky.

“No rain, let’s go,” and I marched the ducks outside where I could at least hose us down with water…

…Son of a!

The bugs that come in between rain storms!

Apparently, we live down on the bayou. Since I fancy myself a mosquito warrior (you: You’re so fascinating, Mom!) I scanned the yard for all potential places for larva to be breeding in stagnant water, and thanks to your new playhouse and outdoor toys, we have no less than five gazillion West Nile loving pools.

I chased you two naked babies around squirting bug spray in your direction, spritz, spritz, COME ON, YOU NEED THIS! as gnats flocked to my probably pee-coated feet. (Don’t they say on airplanes that the adult should place their oxygen mask on first?) When I finally turned the attention to spraying myself, you came running out of your playhouse, Baby Boy, pointing to your tongue.

“My tongue, my tongue! Boo boo!”

I froze, a lioness on attack, and went into allergy mode.

What happened, baby, what happened! What did you eat? 

“Water!”

Water?

{Emphatic point to a teacup full of rain}

Crap! He drank that water? You drank that water, baby? 

“Yeah,” sadly.

Then what happened? 

“Boo boo.”

Where?

My tongue.

Where there bugs in the water? Did a bug bite him? Was there a bug by you, Buddy? I spun him around and performed an inspection, inside and outside. He was clear.

“Do you have a booboo, Buddy? Or do you not like the taste?”

“No like the taste. Booboo.”

Nice clear answer, because oh yeah, I’m interviewing a toddler, a creature who can lie straightfaced about having the load the size of an elephant’s in their pants. (Did you go to the bathroom? while gagging from the unmistakable smell. Nope.)

I think you just didn’t like the taste of dirty rain water (because think is reassuring), seconds later you were fine. I told you to never drink outside water or puddles or anything unless it comes from inside. I told your sister to stop drinking the water from her wheelbarrow because I said stop, it wasn’t funny. I told her she was going to get diptheria. I told you next week at camp to tell the teachers immediately if your tongue ever feels funny. I told you a lie, that yes, Mommy was going to come to camp with you. I told myself, really, how crazy would it be if I lurked on a park bench outside…

I marched the ducks back in where we sat around the kitchen table on this muggy day. Me in my t-shirt and cotton shorts rolled up at the sleeves and the knees, laced with eau de sweat, pee and OFF. You in your underwear playing with flyswatters. We were a happy little trailer park family. All that was missing was cans of Bud beer.

images

Let’s put on some music…

I put on Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth.

“This is my favorite!” you said Baby Boy, leaping up on a chair to dance.

You followed suit, Baby Girl, clapping.

I did too, and when it was over you both cheered, AGAIN.

 

Love,

Mom

PS: I’ll be slipping into a potato salad haze the next few days. Be back Monday. Happy 4th of July.

 

2 thoughts on “Tuesday, July 2, 2013: Again. And again. And again.

  1. Leanne - The Mommy Radar says:

    If you ever figure out how to interview a toddler, be sure to let me know! I’m not sure Barbara Walters could get a straight answer out of mine. Hope you guys don’t have any misadventures over the 4th of July (or at least let them make for good blog fodder if you do).

    • amydenby says:

      Ha! I like the thought of Barbara Walters trying, a CIA interrogator could be good, too (especially when it comes to potty training, “do you have to go to the bathroom?” “No!”) Happy Misadventure Free 4th of July! (though misadventure-wise, it’s too late for me!) x

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