I was making a three (hundred) point turn and this man turning right at the intersection stop sign was giving me a look like huuuaaaawghblajuah.
Huuuaaaawghblajuah! shaking his head so that his lips and blubbery cheeks were quivering.
Huuuaaaawghblajuah! pumping his fists.
Huuuaaaawghblajuah! huffing and puffing.
Apparently that one second he had to wait for me to complete the turn was too terrible for him to bear, and he was having a literal facial meltdown.
Huuuaaaawghblajuah! Huuuaaaawghblajuah! Huuuaaaawghblajuah!
My first reaction was, I want to punch you in your huuuaaaawghblajuah-ing face. I wanted to take his flimsy wire framed glasses and break them in my hands with a snap. Rub my hands furiously through his head of hair and mess it all up, huffing right back at him, Huuuaaaawghblajuah! HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW??!
(Isn’t this all a little nuts?)
I mean look at the instant anger that can be triggered in people, triggering an equally ridiculous reaction.
You can say a lot of things about me, babies. But I am not intentionally mean. I can be a jackhole with my humor, sure. A sharp tongue, fine–but that’s accidental, or, from a clinical standpoint, defensive, or, at the very least, alcohol induced. But I will never understand being flat-out mean to people, what’s give someone the right to think they can treat others that way. Couldn’t he have just waited for a second? Or given me a little honk or something. Said excuse me, I’m trying to get by?
Instead he fired, and left me seriously visualizing giving a grown man a noogie.
Cue Newton’s Law of Motion: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Click. Click. Click. And the dominoes fall…
…My hours clocked at Penn State fraternities have resurfaced. Apparently I am raising frat boys through osmosis.
“Look at me, mommy!” you say Baby Boy, and I turn around, and there you are flashing me your perfectly round behind. With mooning the going activity, I have become the official butt of jokes around the house. Literally.
“Look Mommy!” you said yesterday afternoon, but after enough times falling for it, I was not going to be had.
“Look Mommy!” No, I’m not looking!
“Look Mommy!” I wont do it!
“Look Mommy!” You can’t make me! (says the beacon of maturity)
“Look, Mommy, look!” Accompanied by a slight tug at my shirt, I caved.
I turned around and saw that there on the floor you had set up a bed for your favorite teddy bear, so lovingly, with a pillow, and a blanket, and a nightlight dimmed just right. You turned the timer on the nightlight. You bent over and kissed the bear’s forward so gently. You smoothed his forehead. You said goodnight my angel, goodnight. With a finger to pursed lips you turned to me and said again, this time whispering, look, Mommy. I spun around and saw what you had really been trying to show me, that beside the bed was one you had made up for your sister, with a pink pillow and blanket, and a pink bear, all pink, of course. I called her over and she gasped with glee. “Thanks, Buddy!” she said throwing her arms you.
All I can say is, thanks, Buddy, too.
**What better note to end these notes on. I will be performing charity work out of the country for the next two weeks and will be back to write on Monday August 26.
No, I’m sorry, I forgot, I actually always wanted to be that good person but in reality I am going on family vacation. I can hear myself getting fatter already.**