Wednesday, October 2, 2013: Let’s Try to Keep it in the Bathroom.

Dear Babies,

The car in front of me had its left turn signal on, so there was its bumper sticker seemingly blinking, illuminating in strobe light effect: Life is good. Life is good. Life is good.

LIFE IS NOT GOOD! I recalled shouting into the phone what felt like mere hours earlier. The lint filter on our dryer broke and ripped half a load of laundry, so at ten o’clock last night I decided to call LG (“life is good,” their tagline, clever on my part, don’t you think?) and tell them how I feel. CLOTHES ARE NOT DISPOSABLE IN THIS HOUSE, I hissed to the innocent customer service man probably stationed in India, where clothing is just tossed out the windows there in his house of garments, oh sure.

“Expect a call back in three to five business days, Ma’am.”

(I was “Ma’am”ed. You’ll see what these means, Baby Girl, one day around age 25-30.)

Cue my waving pointed finger like a Real Housewife of New Jersey.

Theresa Guidice

THREE TO FIVE BUSINESS DAYS? NO! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! YOUR PRODUCT RIPPED MY CLOTHING (my precious t-shirt). I HAVE TWINS (because he cares). I HAVE A LOT OF LAUNDRY (do you hate me yet?). THREE TO FIVE DAYS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH (because I kind of do.)

I mean, what did I expect this guy to do, come through the phone and fix my dryer right then and there?

Didn’t you know it was broken? your dad reminded when I called him in Boston to interrupt his client dinner, seething “it ripped the kids’ jeans!” (*Important). “You’re gonna sit around and make phone calls and wait for them to send a new lint thing, when, just fix the problem, go buy a new one.”

“WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO FIX IT!”

“You shouldn’t but if you want to do laundry right now at ten o’clock then yeah, you’re gonna rip your clothes. You’re spiting yourself.”

Cue my spite.

“IT’S NOT SPITE! IT’S THE PRINCIPLE!”

“Just have them reimburse you…”

Oh, I realized, that makes sense, and then I felt like an asshole.

…A lot of poop talk, your teachers said when I picked you guys up from school this morning. As my sorority song used to say (see? we weren’t just about drinking!) “it only takes a spark…” (oh, which could also be said about drinking). Apparently in a class of eleven kids you guys are the sparks. Poopie! you start, and the chorus chimes in.

Your teacher said, “We’re trying to teach them to keep it in the bathroom…”

…At yoga, the instruction was to squeeze my sitz bones. (True story!)

Try to squeeze them tighter, cooed the instructor, “as if you could squeeze everything together from your genitals to your anus…”

(I swear!)

I thought, I can’t get away from poop talk…

I thought, life throws such stupid crap at you…

I thought, it’s so easy to lose your reasoning and act like an asshole…

{Blink. Life is good. Blink. Life is good. Blink. Life is good.}

Remember, life is good. A lot of the other stuff that comes up, let’s try to keep it in the bathroom indeed.

Love,

Mom

7 thoughts on “Wednesday, October 2, 2013: Let’s Try to Keep it in the Bathroom.

  1. reinventionofmama says:

    As a fellow twin mom, 4.5 years ‘in the trenches’ this line cracked me the heck up:

    “THREE TO FIVE BUSINESS DAYS? NO! THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! YOUR PRODUCT RIPPED MY CLOTHING (my precious t-shirt). I HAVE TWINS (because he cares). I HAVE A LOT OF LAUNDRY (do you hate me yet?). THREE TO FIVE DAYS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH (because I kind of do.)”

    It is hard not to freak out and be the asshole. I have pretty much camped out in asshole-land and a lot is on the line because of it. Take a breath (into a bag), take a drink (of wine) and hope for the best, Sister. We’re all rootin’ for ya.

    • amydenby says:

      Can I please make this into a t-shirt and wear it under my clothes at all times, or at least to bed on a nightly to basis? This is the best advice ever, thank you 🙂

  2. reinventionofmama says:

    ((and p.s. I have made the same face as that lady. Today. While bathing a screeching set of 4 year olds while my favorite neighbor lady waited patiently to sit and enjoy a nice glass of wine. 🙂 ))

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