Monday, April 7, 2014: Breakin’ the Law.

Dear Babies,

I stole a cucumber and two tomatoes from Stop & Shop this morning. I realized my crime when I got out of the store into the parking lot and saw the vegetables strewn loose in my cart, unbagged, phallically arranged with the cucumber seemingly erect giving me the middle finger.

I got into the car and heaved into the front seat. I felt terrible. I thought of a segment I’d just rolled my eyes at on the TV, how I go to the gym to read, watch TV and to use their mouthwash. “The Mom Jury” was on the Today Show, where, I assume, moms weigh in on current parenting issues. Because there’s not enough judgment in the world, thanks! I’d heard, or rather read the closed-captioning on the screen, a mother saying “if you don’t want your child to wear booty shorts you can’t wear booty shorts!” And the closed-captioning ruptured into thunderous applause. {Unintelligible laughter!}

Well if I want you guys to be honest, shouldn’t I not steal produce?

But then, my mind turned…

Eff that! I thought. It’s Monday morning and I’m hacking up green things. “Killer allergies,” I keep saying to people around town who catch me oozing from an orifice, pick an orifice, my eyeballs, nose. I need my back cracked. If someone could please come over and walk on it or attach me to one of those medieval limb-stretching torture devices that would be great. Or, I think that’s pilates. Anyway, in such physically unpleasant state, my thoughts quickly turned black.

“Stop & Shop owes me,” I’d decided, eyes pinched. All that overpriced crap I’d bought there over the years? Look at Friday, two boxes of lil griddles frozen pancakes, come on.

That’s right. A major corporation owes me, a woman who often only leaves her house twice daily to take her kids two and from school, who mostly lives in her head, what, exactly? The cost of one cucumber and two tomatoes? $2.67?

I read Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project quote today in the voice of Martha Stewart as I like to do.

“Every time you break the law you pay, and every time you obey the law pay.” (As much as I torture myself reading her smart, positive messages, she is good; see today’s quote here:

Sitting in my car, enclosed by my walls within walls, hacking up green things, I was an example of this being true.

My message of honesty is not that I went back to pay for the tomatoes (I already ate one on a sandwich with swiss cheese, it was delicious.) Rather, sometimes the weight of doing a “bad thing” just isn’t worth it. Sometimes, just follow the rules, pay the $2.67, and be happy.

Revenge of the Cucumber.





2 thoughts on “Monday, April 7, 2014: Breakin’ the Law.

  1. Winding road says:

    naughty by accident isn’t really naughty though, right? and your justification was awesome. reminds me of “Reality Bites” where Ethan Hawkes character says they owe him the snickers. 🙂
    tomatoe and swiss sandwich…yum, the best summer treat!

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