Wednesday, November 26, 2014: This Is It.

Dear Babies,

My desk chair is broken, I mean split in two, and I don’t know if this is a sign.

If this is the universe saying, give it up, lady, step away from the computer. Go on, now. Shoo.

I don’t seem to know much of anything anymore.

(You: “As opposed to a time when you knew everything…?”)

I’m 35-years-old and I thought things were going to be different. How different–I don’t know.

Would I feel more like an adult, as a mom to two kids.

Would I feel like a person, owning a home with big tinkering machines in the basement. (I don’t know what the boiler does, okay? Are you happy?!)

I think I thought I’d be more accomplished. Have a novel or two under my belt. I’d be going to fancy dinners with New York’s literati. Air-kiss. Air-kiss. I bet I thought I could handle a scotch.

At 35-years-old, I have opened my eyes and I see…

I see the gap between what I thought I’d be and what I am.

I always thought I’d be picking apples and making pies like Julia Roberts’ character in “Sleeping With the Enemy” (that movie profoundly affecting me, always wondering if that’s what middle America has to offer, pies, and straight bearded drama teachers with jeans yay-high). She wore nightgowns in the movie. Long cotton ones to the floor. I’ve been thinking, I need to get me some of those…

I’ve been saying that a lot lately, “this is the year.”

This is the year I get those nightgowns!

This is the year I start making those pies.

And yet, I’m really not one to bake.

This is the year…maybe I get realistic.

I not so much bridge the gap between my dreams and my reality, but the gap between how I want to live and what I live.

I don’t know…

I know that when asked what I want, I say I want my family to be healthy and happy, and I want to write.

That’s it.

(Nope, I’m lying, I also want some cheese and some yoga, and videos of woodland animals burrowing, I mean have you seen a squirrel eating a nut?!)

So I have all these letters here that I wrote to you guys, so I made them into a book. I published a book based on the ones I wrote to you when I was pregnant. I don’t know if this something you’ll read one day. Heck, if anyone will read it.

(But hey, it’s for sale here, ding!)

paperback (“I like to feel paper”) (amazonbarnes & noble)

ebook (“screens are for me”) (amazon, barnes & noble)

I have even more letters, more material, that I’ll be turning into videos like the one below. I don’t know if anyone will watch them. I don’t know if anyone, even you guys, will think that they are funny or touching or anything. I don’t know if anyone will care…

But that’s the beauty of the unknown I guess.

(Because what good is a story when you already know how it ends.)

How about, this is the year I keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Praying for health.

Seeking out happiness (have you seen a beaver building a dam?!).

And writing.

I do know, however, this will need to be done from a new chair.